The Pumpkin Pie Problem

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Long before I was “Rabbi Yitzhak Miller,” or “Rabbi Yitzhak Miller, Esq.,” I was Yitzi.
“Yitzi” is one of two children, and has a younger sister, Rebecca.

Like many children of Baby Boomers, we grew up in a middle class, Corolla-then-Camry-then-Prius-driving home which lacked for nothing, but which carried the vestiges of parents raised with a Depression-era scarcity mentality.

Fairness

“Fair” was the mantra that governed all sibling disputes, including the classic “you cut, she chooses” approach to the last piece of pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving:

Unsurprisingly, “fair” resulted in 2 equal pieces of pie, counterbalanced by a thorough (even if unintended) catalyzing of sibling rivalry. “Fair”–to adopt a phrase from a now outdated TV commercial–WAS “my father’s Oldsmobile.”

Any Myers-Briggs nerds out there will comprehend how “you cut I choose” would sit with someone (me) who scores 29-out-of-30 on the “F” side of the “T (Fairness) vs. F (Harmony)” pairing.

The Third Generation

Round about the time my wife and I were contemplating a 2nd child, my personal-development self was discovering Steven Covey’s articulation of interdependence (1+1=3), and Speed Leas five levels of conflict (spanning from collaboration-based problem solving, to you-losing-is-more-important-even-than-me-winning mutually-assured destruction).

I also found myself reading “Siblings Without Rivalry,” which happened to contain a chapter on The Pumpkin Pie Problem” entitled “Equal is Less.”

In one of those “duh” moments that upends childhood neurological wiring, the book (in my now-30-years-later words) pointed out the “scarcity mentality” which lies at the foundation of you-cut-I-choose, and the results which are–at best–in an equal division of unhappiness (the lowest-common-denominator solution, for us math geeks).

1+1=3

In the years since, I’ve come to realize how “automatically” my brain rejects lowest-common-denominator solutions, and focuses my energies on “there must be another way,” one which not only avoids lowest-common-denominator solutions, but seeks out “interdependent” solutions leaving BOTH parties BETTER OFF than when they entered what they likely thought would be a “painful negotiation.”

In that spirit, Win-WinMediation.com was born.